Daily Archives: June 6, 2008

Lightening up

Given the previous post is very heavy, I am happy to share something I just found via BlogExplosion: Do You Know Your Bible? Thanks in advance, Bubbles. 🙂

The following are quotes from exams and papers assigned to 7th through 12th students:
“In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off.”
“Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.”
“Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.”
“Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.”
“Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.”
“Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.”
“Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.”
“The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.”
“Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.”
“The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.”
“The Fifth Commandment is ‘Humor thy father and mother.'”
“The Seventh Commandment is ‘Thou shalt not admit adultery.'”
“Moses died before he ever reached Canada.”
“Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.”
“The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.”
“David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.”
“David fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.”
“Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.”
“The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.”
“The epistles were the wives of the apostles.”
“St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.”
“Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.”
“In some religions a man can have many wives, and this is called polygamy. In our religion a man can have one wife, and this is called monotony.”

I suspect I have seen some of those before…

On another topic but similar, I still treasure a description of a triffid I once read: Triffids are plant-like animals that root themselves in parks and lash out at passers-by with their testicles. Spelling does matter after all. 😉

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Posted by on June 6, 2008 in humour


Christianity’s coats of many colours

That of course is an allusion to the common mistranslation of the coat young Joseph had in Genesis.

Jacob loved Joseph more than he did any of his other sons, because Joseph was born after Jacob was very old. Jacob had given Joseph a fancy coat to show that he was his favorite son, and so Joseph’s brothers hated him and would not be friendly to him. — Genesis 37: Contemporary English Version. [Or “a coat of many colors” or “a coat with long sleeves.”]

My current reading following the US Episcopalian Daily Office — an eccentricity of mine — has been taking me through Deuteronomy. Aside from being a cat in T S Eliot’s Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats, Deuteronomy is the fifth of the so-called five books of Moses. It was written much later than the other four, and contains quite obvious evidence of its late date. For example:

Chapter 17: The King
Moses said:

People of Israel, after you capture the land the LORD your God is giving you, and after you settle on it, you will say, ” We want a king, just like the nations around us.”

Go ahead and appoint a king, but make sure that he is an Israelite and that he is the one the LORD has chosen.

The king should not have many horses, especially those from Egypt. The LORD has said never to go back there again. And the king must not have a lot of wives–they might tempt him to be unfaithful to the LORD.  Finally, the king must not try to get huge amounts of silver and gold. The official copy of God’s laws will be kept by the priests of the Levi tribe. So, as soon as anyone becomes king, he must go to the priests and write out a copy of these laws while they watch. Each day the king must read and obey these laws, so that he will learn to worship the LORD with fear and trembling and not think that he’s better than everyone else. If the king completely obeys the LORD’s commands, he and his descendants will rule Israel for many years.

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